Flustered Axons

Written to a girl while sipping a warm cup of choco caremal latte at an airport terminal,

Your on the road and I’m almost about to hit the cotton clouds of the bloody rainy day that it is…
God I’m wishing I had your small and tiny figure deep in my arms,
The thought just makes it seem like you’re already here with me,
sipping away at our hot mocha caramels and watching stupid clips of people being shot in the are.
Oh, how I wish you were here…

I count the seconds that tick away till the moment I meet you again. Seconds… They seem like hours, the minutes days and the hours eons of eons…
Being torn from you is like having the very wisps of life tempted from the core of my weak and wearing soul…

But we’ll be home soon. Yea, you and me and me and you and just the both of us, baby.
I’ll call. Tonight, I’ll call. And I’ll talk my life in to you. At least enough to help you forget your problems.
All I want to do is to share enough with you so you know that I’m there with you in you heart.
My soul, and yours, playing in deep thought of wanting imagination of the things that cannot be said anymore than actions its self.
Ah… I long for your trust and your warmth in my life.

I love you and I know you do love me too. Till I say your name again,
Toodly doo, my love…

There’s always going to be that one time in my life, when I’ll give you a rose,
Maybe it’s because I love you.
Maybe it’s because I want to say, “Enough fighting, let’s settle and be gay”.
Or maybe, i’m just messing with your head…
Maybe all I want to do is remind you of all the fucked up things you’ve done to me.
And that all I want in return is that tear in your eye that says, “I’m sorry… will you let me go?”

Roses are red… Violets are blue,
But roses are still red…

You were my rose you know?
An orgasmic rose, that dripped with the blood that gushes from the life of my soul,
and that little spark of sustenance I used to hold on to, a thoroughbred love between just you and me…
So much that I have had the little smile on your face and the twinkle of rays that catch in your eye, scarred deep in the tinkling colours of the cones in my retinas.

But I stand here today, a new man.
Oh a new man indeed. Do I really need to explain myself?
From all the possible sexual means that, perversely, everyone seems to use to stereotype a man.
Do I really need to tell you that all I want in a relationship is the infatuating love of a guy or girl deep in my life?
That I crave so much more than just the mere lanky tale of SEX…
Oh no, I stand here a new man… with a new rose.
For this rose, I give to only the one that I learn about… The one that I learn has learned to love me.
Maybe this time, I’m ready to give a rose, for the right reasons…

Oh of roses… One of God’s putrid allegory for a painful or even happy love…
Gloriously crimson upon the lips on which I dream of kissing at night but a tad bit a trope of ebony black on evil and twisted souls… And to think the psyche of all that is flawless would be seen in the one I dream of…

Red roses in life? I think still prefer the lemons that life brings me…

I learned how to use my head,
S.O.

Baby listen, i’ve tried a little hard, you know?
And I’ve given you my all
read my heart and you’ll know,
I’m your friend, I’m your person,
I’m not an ordinary guy,
Not the kind that hurts you anyway.

I’m staring your way always,
Plastering these weird ass smiles on my face and all,
Just looking all dumb and stupid
But I’m your cloak and I’m your hood
I’m the guy in the rain that’s keeping you dry
Wiping away your tears from stupid fights and all.
But that’s not all I am.

I’m your shield, I’m your sword,
I’m your shelter and your wings,
I’m your feet sweeper, heart stealer,
Your symphonical joy,
I’m your love, i’m your hope
I bring peace to you always,
I’m your rationale your senses,
I’m your balance and your grace
I’m your drama and your expressions,
your emotions and your feelings your
voice your music
And I’ll always be yours

Yea, I’ll always be yours.
I’m nothing without you.
Baby, I’m just a guy without you.
I’m your everything, but without you,
What am I? Where do I go,
on those stupid rainy mornings, with that cloak, that hood,
that shield and that stupid shelter?
And what about the void in my heart?
What goes in there?

But I’m yours.
I’m your everything.
I’m your light and your darkness,
I’m your strength and your weakness,
I’m your footsteps, your strides and even the path you walk.
I’m your passion and your hate,
your living and your dying,
your killing and your saving,
I’m everything… I’m your everything…
And I’ll always be yours.

You know, all I ask from you sometimes is just a little bit to little?
What, a simple gesture so as to sugar up a little smile for me,
Or a twitch of a muscle so you’d wave your slender fingers in a greeting my way?
Maybe all I ask is for you to say “Hello!” or “How do you do?”.
Oh who am I kidding. I think I’m crushing over you.
I crush over you that I wish it would go away so I could forget all the little problems I have to deal with just so I could squeeze even the smallest flake from the remote possibility of the fact that you might be able to love me back…

But you can’t… Can you?

I crush over you. I know your mind like the tip of my own elbow. I know how you seem to be able to flow with the way my mind wanders along the long, winding and circling, gravel strewn, pathways that lead to not merely no where, but to some idea only fathomable by the favouring flavours of your sense of pondering and then, only to be digest in the depths of you beating heart.

Oh I crush over you. So much that I can’t keep myself from staring into your sparkling eyes. The way you look at me, the way your thoughts seem to flow faster into me as they tinkle away at my throbbing mind, just wishing you would hold back all fear and just want to be with me. Ahh… if only you had a crush on me. If only you could feel just an itty-bitty much as I feel for you.

But I only have a crush. Maybe I would move over and we’d just be friends… I pray I get to feel your gentle thoughts as I lie with you on colourfully flower-covered pastures staring into the night sky that which dancing stars and a wallowing moon succumb to our togetherness, with only so little words to say, but yet so much to share. Oh I pray we do… I pray we do share.

But love? Love is forbidden, no? Not between me and another. But me and your, love is forbidden. Only because I’ll never know if you could love me back the same way I do. I don’t know how I could just let myself be in your arms and yet hold on to your heart like it’s the only thing that keeps me alive, with my heart, all trampled and hopelessly fragile…

No. Me and you and love might never be… But I so wish it does! I really do. Because I think I might be falling deep into something I very much find familiar. Something I know to be my saddest or happiest weakness. I think I’m falling deeply… in love… with you! And only you…

Desperately hoping,

S.O.

“Dear Monyet,

I couldn’t sleep thinking of you. You were on my mind the whole time. It hurt so much when I realised how far away from me you are; How it’s so hard for us to be free. I say your name sometimes, only hoping to conjure up an image of you lying next to me. And if I can’t see you, I tell my self, “Maybe, I don’t love you enough”.

I beat myself up over thinking such things. Because I know I desire you more than any other earthly thing. I desire God more though. I have him to thank for the way you feel towards me. I love you my dearest Monyet, my Cheesecake, my Button!

If only you knew what I’m feeling right now. I’ll tell you in a song then shall I?

I’ll write you songs, I’ll fill you with love,
And I’ll tell you I love you so.
I’ll hold your hand, through the grim of times,
Just to show you that I love you.
I’ll wipe your tears and I’ll laugh with you,
I’ll share your sorrow and joy,
I’ll keep you warm in the cold u feel,
From the foes of earthly life.

This is all I can give you,
It’s nothing yet it’s so much more.
This song I’m singing to you,
It’s my heart out to you.
I’ll tell you that I think off you,
Even when I’m fast asleep,
I’m telling you that I love you (or “I’m telling you I love you, dear”)

I used to walk, alone at night,
in my dreams when I’m fast asleep
Then you came into my life,
And I’m not alone anymore
I have you there cozy at my side,
To fly over mountains, clouds and seas
To brave the oceans deep or wide
Or dance in rain or embrace the winds

Feel the power of my love
The raging beat of my heart
Feel my desire embrace your heart
And make you one with me.
Feel our souls play tenderly
As they live and lay as one
Feel and know that I love you!

Would you take it into your heart and never forget that I’ll always love you. I crave to have you feel my sentiments towards you.

Feel my love, feel it strong in your heart.

From deep in my heart,
Kuching Gila.”

I’m forlorn. The love of my life seems to be the hardest thing to digest. As she grows closer to me, I try to keep up. One day I feel like I want more in the emotional and mental department and then I feel pangs of agonizing guilt for even wanting to ask her to mount feelings of putrid pretence. Another day I just flow with what she has to offer and live knowing that she’s the only girl who could separate sense from nonsense when it comes to a very two-fisted, pugnacious conversation. Is that what relationships are really built on? Doubt?

Whether she’s the one… How do you tell? How do you play safe? Would you marry, only then, find out that it’s all pain and suffering? Would God forgive me then if I left her for the want of free breath and a more jovial sentience? Life is short, no? That, at least must be agreed on…

Does a 21-year old really have to worry this much? Or is it just some random quizzical part of me that wants to see into the future, only can’t, hence pushing me into drawing conclusive dilemmas of my own. Conclusive… I really did say it didn’t I. What if she doesn’t like the picture I would have to paint in about 30 years from now? What is the picture anyway?

Am I dry? Do I yearn for a better ending or do I ask for too much? Pain, misery, sadness, sorrow, anguish, torment, angst… Only the few words of that I know to describe the picture I’m hoping not to paint.

Is this me finally saying that I have no inspiration? Does my relationship with God have anything to do with this? Insipidity an pallidness. Can I phrase myself any better than what my heart feels like? I’m probably in one of those days when my heart’s doing all the talking and my brain just can’t keep up. Oh Jared, make me laugh… I need to laugh so I can at least hide the pain if not my loss of emotional sustenance… Please make me laugh…

Quikclotting my brittle heart and flinching at the touch of my soul,
S.O.

P.S. – The idiot who coined the phrase “Kill two birds with one stone” must die. It’s not physically possible. What was he thinking when he thought about it?

I’m writing this to you Button, but don’t take it for what it really means.

I can’t tell you I love you, because you won’t let me.

I can’t hold you, because you seem to push me away.

I can’t wipe your tears away, because you hide them from me.

I can’t wish on the three shooting stars I’ve seen in my life, because I don’t know if you still want me.

I hope you understand.

This goes out to you Dear Button,

The Heart of Life – John Mayer

I hate to see you cry
Lying there in that position
There’s things you need to hear
So turn off your tears and listen

Pain throws you heart to the ground
Love turns the whole thing around
No, it won’t all go the way, it should
But I know the heart of life is good

You know it’s nothing new
Bad news never had good timing
Then the circle of your friends
Will defend the silver lining

Pain throws your heart to the ground
Love turns the whole thing around
No, it won’t all go the way, it should
But I know the heart of life is good

Pain throws your heart to the ground
Love turns the whole thing around
Fear is a friend who’s misunderstood
But I know the heart of life is good

I love you and I wish you would just listen to your heart. Fear isn’t anything when you know that I will keep your heart safe from anymore hurt. I promise you that. You and I believe in God. Now believe that He will let me keep your heart safe.

Holding on and well-wishing,
S.O.

It’s like dust, okay? Nothing more than that. I know how you feel and I only wish I could eat the very words I’m saying, but it’s just dust on your shoes. A phase. When you’re ready for the real thing, run to the thing you’re in love with and then everything will make sense, okay?

Don’t let trouble hurt your fragile yet fluctuating heart. If it is really fear I sense, then maybe you need to know you’re safe. That thing which has been making you sad the last few days is dust on your feet. Dust your feet off and be done with it. Because fear only means you probably know what it’s capable of and you know you don’t want that kind of treatment.

What it said to you the other night is something I promise you will remember for the rest of your life no matter how much you deny yourself happiness by forgiving it.

But if you pick that ugly, useless, empty, shallow and sterile thing again, I swear, yes I swear you will loose me!

Bartering time for happiness,
S.O.

If only I could hold your hand without caring about other people…

If only I could tell everyone that you’re mine…

If only I could have you hold on to me at every chance you get…

If only you and me could just love each other…

If only we could make God the glue that holds us together…

If only… If only… If only me and you could be one. If only!