Flustered Axons

Somehow, I fear stupid things like darkness and extreme heights and insects. But I’ve never really thought about the other things out there. The little things we tend to ignore. The ‘beings’ as they are called. The ones we don’t see, or choose not to see. But who am I kidding. I frighten the hell out myself sometimes just thinking about all this. But one thing that really gets my heart racing, is death.

Somehow, I fear it so much. I fear what will come after death. Just as soon as every brain cell dies. We see in the movies, the spirit leaving the body in the form of the original body. The spirit just looks over the body and feels a little sorry and then God calls and it goes with a sudden happiness. But what if it all turns out to be different. What if the soul doesn’t change. What if it just remains locked within the body. Yearning to escape. I used to have thoughts when I was young, about all the possibilities of what it would be like to die. And everyone of the ideas sends stone cold shivers down my spine. I once thought that nothing will happen after death (that was when I was small). Then lately, I’ve been thinking. Jesus died and went straight into heaven. What would it be like. Would it be like walking along a snowy pathway lit by candle posts hung along wooden fences, separating the path from the forest that lies on the opposite side. Or would it turn out to be an interesting flight over the earth, with wings spread wide enough to carry us around the whole world so we could look at it once more. Or would we ascend right into heaven, while angels sing hymns with voices so harmonious that no few words could possibly describe it?

I’ve dwelt with almost every idea of what death could be like. And no matter how beautiful or magical or ethereal it could get, I still am afraid of what is to come. Death is something that would have to take its own toll on me. I cannot really dwell in the thought of death. That would defeat the purpose of living. And saying that would really defeat the purpose of me writing this stupid post. But I have feelings to put out into words. Feelings I can’t really express without help from a blog hosting service or a diary. But then again, no one can read what I’ve written in a diary (but of course if the nosy idiot wants to read it on purpose).

Death would just have to take its turn on me. I want to live, not die. And not to die would mean I have to live forever. And doing just that in God’s presence would be mighty wonderful. I love God. I really do. But I just wish I could see Him once in all his might so that I can really prepare my self for what is to come (do good stuff out of fear of God). I want Him to show himself to me. Really I do.

Please pray for me to be able to see him one time in my life before my birthday, so that I can really look back upon my life and make the corrections. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t want to buy my way into heaven. I just want to live for what it’s worth… if you get my drift…

Good night.