Flustered Axons

Here’s to not accepting the accepted by the common accepted only because some common accepted feel that the accepted isn’t very much a point.

Justice, I wholly disapprove of your ability to justify the just.
In times of acceptance, may you fall into the depths of hell,
With your cronyism and use of leverage to power the masses,
I pray you fall deep into hell as with the departed souls of the demons;
Demons that once ran the powers of the world,
Demons that Caesar bowed down to,
Demons that God himself clicks his tongue in displeasure at.

May you fall deep into the fiery tongues of flame that would teach you;
Teach you lessons worth learning by the carving studded whips through skin,
Teach you lessons accepted by the most common of the uncommonly accepted.
I will you not the pleasure of understanding the levels of thought in me,
Because till today, even displeasure at the sight of me, makes you agitated,
And makes me smile with the malice of victory over your incapacitated mind.

Justice, I fairly judge you.
I will call you names in the sight of your foes,
And revel in the power over the relativity of your common.
See my presence and feel that even in joy, you find grief.
I tell tales of truth when I put my tongue to the song.
This I know only true because I see you whimper,
in the corners of the earth that only hides the leveled lies,
and illuminates the vicious truth…

Oh justice, I so very disapprove of you.
When hierarchy puts me to the test of nerves,
When power keeps you weak with the common accepted,
and strong with the uncommonly accepted.

Justice… You are weak. By your shaking feet, you are weak.
May you rot like a diseased body left to the flies,
open to the prospective stench of death and putrid indulgence in loose flesh.
You take the form of mature faeces,
and may you be loved the way a mother loves her son’s murderer.
I pray you wallow in woe and never leave the home you built from sputum and rancid pus.

In the end, Justice, you are nothing but a substandard in human life.
Pre-existent to the love of anyone.
You deserve nothing but hate!

As the common may accept, may the uncommon live in suffering and remorse.

To the uncommon – I HATE YOU TO THE CORE OF YOUR EXISTANCE!

When opportunity crossed my path so fast, almost missing me by a fraction of a femtometer  at 3.00 a.m. on the 11th of January, 2010, I grabbed it by the collar and squeezed the inspirational lemons it had carried with it for a lemon quishe it was planning to make… And the lemonade I made with it:

It’s time…

It’s finally time that I must actually say something. I’m done hiding under the moss tainted, musk smelling rock I call my salvation, feeling the earth rub between my fingers and my palms and my hands, leaving the calluses, blisters and wounds of regret for every shitty, pathetic move I make in my life to hide myself from the truth; from happiness; from very life its self.

You helped me. You came and you stretched out your callused, blistered and bleeding hand and you beckoned me to try, with every last reason I had for life to allow me joy, to reach for it… And you helped me realise the reality. I no longer feel the need to guard the gates of the fortress housing what remains of my decrepit soul. I’m done staying that safe distance of, erm, 275853242 trust meters away from everyone else’s life. But you’ll never know how much that is… Because it was mine to make up. It was mine to make up, so that I could tell myself that if I stayed at that very distance from people, I WOULD NOT get hurt. Funny how it still happens. But who am I kidding if I said you didn’t already know what it felt like…

You’re too much like me to not really know what the measure already means. Wouldn’t that also mean you’d want to stay that far away from me. Somehow, you’re still learning a thing or two about what I am and what I’m not. But because we play out to be soul-graspingly alike, you and me still don’t get each other, but we’ll twist every thought of not being sure about each other into a pretense and lie to each other with the look of admirable confidence, tied at the edges of expression on our faces, that we can read each other like open books.

But you’re within the boundaries of my life as it already is, so it’s time that I attempt to pronounce mere words no where near enough to define the thoughts in my head and the feelings in my heart… Strangely enough, I know I’m never going to comprehend what I’m saying, but you’ll understand this in your own way. Here goes near to as everything;

When you say that you need me, there was only a thought in my mind : That you want me because it was necessary for the joy you had to feel to stay on living. That would mean I had to set apart my life from myself, so I could share it with you, to walk with you, for joy was so important when it was at most, needed by you… And not wanted.

When you tried with all you had to sing a song of comfort, your voice wrapped itself around my being, my psyche, my universe, my essence, drawing ever single note of worth from the lengthy rivers of arbitrary thought streaming endlessly in my mind, only to drain them into the widest of waters of understanding of you and why you needed to share a bit of your life with me. And that was enough to keep me wanting more of your intellectual presence in my life.

And when you were joyfully smiling from cheek to cheek with enough nerve to mess with the possibility of togetherness for life, you made me think about what would have been precarious, and what can be a settled certainity; almost as certain as the tickling of a perfectly tuned piano would produce the notes it had to with the tone and crux of immaculate music, to allow itself a lifetime of expectation and requirement.

And it’s time I allowed you to finally learn to learn me. I’m already done keeping the annoyingly hidden paths to the centres of my heart, heavily warded to everyone. My heart, I now open to you and I know you’ll understand me when I cry out with as much as I have left, on knees wounded by the coarse, graveled silt my life was built on, for you to make enough of an effort, to fight for what you know would be something forever would love to hold on to.

But maybe there would be a time for precariousness to whether out and settle as certainties so fortified and maybe then, hiding under stones would have been a good thing.

Because if it wasn’t, then when could it possibly have been time for me to say what’s really deep in my heart, enveloping the core of my soul? When would it have been time for me to say…

I find it deep in my heart to say I love you,
But I also know that if I told you I did,
You would never love me the way I do.

The thing is, I love you truely.
It’s not a feeling I hold against you…
It’s not even a vengeful gesture I throw at your face…
Heck it’s not even a reason for me to get into your pants!
Gosh, we all know that’s not a necessary reason, now, is it?

No, I love you because I can, baby.
I love you because I know that there’s something in you,
Something I desire so much to keep in my life…
I need your passion and I want your love.

There, I said it. I WANT your love.
But can you give it to me?
Can you put aside your fucked up emotions,
your snide and rude remarks,
and that thing I call your past phase in your life.
YES IT’S A FUCKING PHASE.
And it’s played it’s self so dry
that the Sahara being void of water
would be downright over-stating it.

I find it deep in my heart to say I love you,
but I also know that if I told you I did,
You’d find some way to screw up my life,
AND MAKE IT ALL ABOUT YOU!

Written to a girl while sipping a warm cup of choco caremal latte at an airport terminal,

Your on the road and I’m almost about to hit the cotton clouds of the bloody rainy day that it is…
God I’m wishing I had your small and tiny figure deep in my arms,
The thought just makes it seem like you’re already here with me,
sipping away at our hot mocha caramels and watching stupid clips of people being shot in the are.
Oh, how I wish you were here…

I count the seconds that tick away till the moment I meet you again. Seconds… They seem like hours, the minutes days and the hours eons of eons…
Being torn from you is like having the very wisps of life tempted from the core of my weak and wearing soul…

But we’ll be home soon. Yea, you and me and me and you and just the both of us, baby.
I’ll call. Tonight, I’ll call. And I’ll talk my life in to you. At least enough to help you forget your problems.
All I want to do is to share enough with you so you know that I’m there with you in you heart.
My soul, and yours, playing in deep thought of wanting imagination of the things that cannot be said anymore than actions its self.
Ah… I long for your trust and your warmth in my life.

I love you and I know you do love me too. Till I say your name again,
Toodly doo, my love…

There’s always going to be that one time in my life, when I’ll give you a rose,
Maybe it’s because I love you.
Maybe it’s because I want to say, “Enough fighting, let’s settle and be gay”.
Or maybe, i’m just messing with your head…
Maybe all I want to do is remind you of all the fucked up things you’ve done to me.
And that all I want in return is that tear in your eye that says, “I’m sorry… will you let me go?”

Roses are red… Violets are blue,
But roses are still red…

You were my rose you know?
An orgasmic rose, that dripped with the blood that gushes from the life of my soul,
and that little spark of sustenance I used to hold on to, a thoroughbred love between just you and me…
So much that I have had the little smile on your face and the twinkle of rays that catch in your eye, scarred deep in the tinkling colours of the cones in my retinas.

But I stand here today, a new man.
Oh a new man indeed. Do I really need to explain myself?
From all the possible sexual means that, perversely, everyone seems to use to stereotype a man.
Do I really need to tell you that all I want in a relationship is the infatuating love of a guy or girl deep in my life?
That I crave so much more than just the mere lanky tale of SEX…
Oh no, I stand here a new man… with a new rose.
For this rose, I give to only the one that I learn about… The one that I learn has learned to love me.
Maybe this time, I’m ready to give a rose, for the right reasons…

Oh of roses… One of God’s putrid allegory for a painful or even happy love…
Gloriously crimson upon the lips on which I dream of kissing at night but a tad bit a trope of ebony black on evil and twisted souls… And to think the psyche of all that is flawless would be seen in the one I dream of…

Red roses in life? I think still prefer the lemons that life brings me…

I learned how to use my head,
S.O.

Baby listen, i’ve tried a little hard, you know?
And I’ve given you my all
read my heart and you’ll know,
I’m your friend, I’m your person,
I’m not an ordinary guy,
Not the kind that hurts you anyway.

I’m staring your way always,
Plastering these weird ass smiles on my face and all,
Just looking all dumb and stupid
But I’m your cloak and I’m your hood
I’m the guy in the rain that’s keeping you dry
Wiping away your tears from stupid fights and all.
But that’s not all I am.

I’m your shield, I’m your sword,
I’m your shelter and your wings,
I’m your feet sweeper, heart stealer,
Your symphonical joy,
I’m your love, i’m your hope
I bring peace to you always,
I’m your rationale your senses,
I’m your balance and your grace
I’m your drama and your expressions,
your emotions and your feelings your
voice your music
And I’ll always be yours

Yea, I’ll always be yours.
I’m nothing without you.
Baby, I’m just a guy without you.
I’m your everything, but without you,
What am I? Where do I go,
on those stupid rainy mornings, with that cloak, that hood,
that shield and that stupid shelter?
And what about the void in my heart?
What goes in there?

But I’m yours.
I’m your everything.
I’m your light and your darkness,
I’m your strength and your weakness,
I’m your footsteps, your strides and even the path you walk.
I’m your passion and your hate,
your living and your dying,
your killing and your saving,
I’m everything… I’m your everything…
And I’ll always be yours.

You know, all I ask from you sometimes is just a little bit to little?
What, a simple gesture so as to sugar up a little smile for me,
Or a twitch of a muscle so you’d wave your slender fingers in a greeting my way?
Maybe all I ask is for you to say “Hello!” or “How do you do?”.
Oh who am I kidding. I think I’m crushing over you.
I crush over you that I wish it would go away so I could forget all the little problems I have to deal with just so I could squeeze even the smallest flake from the remote possibility of the fact that you might be able to love me back…

But you can’t… Can you?

I crush over you. I know your mind like the tip of my own elbow. I know how you seem to be able to flow with the way my mind wanders along the long, winding and circling, gravel strewn, pathways that lead to not merely no where, but to some idea only fathomable by the favouring flavours of your sense of pondering and then, only to be digest in the depths of you beating heart.

Oh I crush over you. So much that I can’t keep myself from staring into your sparkling eyes. The way you look at me, the way your thoughts seem to flow faster into me as they tinkle away at my throbbing mind, just wishing you would hold back all fear and just want to be with me. Ahh… if only you had a crush on me. If only you could feel just an itty-bitty much as I feel for you.

But I only have a crush. Maybe I would move over and we’d just be friends… I pray I get to feel your gentle thoughts as I lie with you on colourfully flower-covered pastures staring into the night sky that which dancing stars and a wallowing moon succumb to our togetherness, with only so little words to say, but yet so much to share. Oh I pray we do… I pray we do share.

But love? Love is forbidden, no? Not between me and another. But me and your, love is forbidden. Only because I’ll never know if you could love me back the same way I do. I don’t know how I could just let myself be in your arms and yet hold on to your heart like it’s the only thing that keeps me alive, with my heart, all trampled and hopelessly fragile…

No. Me and you and love might never be… But I so wish it does! I really do. Because I think I might be falling deep into something I very much find familiar. Something I know to be my saddest or happiest weakness. I think I’m falling deeply… in love… with you! And only you…

Desperately hoping,

S.O.